Category Archives: Humor

An Open Letter to Wonderbook and Video

Dear Wonderbook And Video,

It’s been awhile since I’ve been rooting through your endless, ribbed shelves of dusty paperbacks, perusing the eighties movies, and scavenging for bargain CD’s. While I do think of you sometimes, daydreaming of the overwhelming smell of old books, and glass bottles of soda, we needed this time apart. You’ve always had some evil power over me, making me want to stay for hours and hours even though you haven’t had a bathroom since I was 7, and being too awkward to go to the next store over, I’ve held my bladder at gun point so I can find just the right book every time.

You’ve made me accumulate dozens of novels I’m sure I’m never, ever, EVER going to read. But you convinced me to buy them anyway. A Latin to Spanish dictionary! It’s only two dollars!  I keep falling to the seductive force of yet another Edgar Allan Poe short story collection because it has one story I’ve never read before, or a poem, or the cover’s just cool. But I’m done with that. I’m done with your hypnotic halls of history books, the pile of free posters I can’t help but look through. I won’t let the prospect of another brown bag sale drag me over to your place again, at least, not this year.

I know you’ll be in my life again soon enough. I won’t be able to resist your siren’s call for long, but until then, I’ll appreciate this time apart.

Sincerely,
Nathan Retherford

Straight Out of Bagels (A Podcast Series) – Episode One: Pilot

Episode One “Pilot” was Written and Performed by Max Gamerman and Amelia Lowry (featuring Jackson Spickler)

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They’ve traveled through the wastelands of New Jersey.  They’ve ventured through the desolate jungles of Pennsylvania.  They’ve tangled with lions and cowboys and mermaids and the entire cast of Seinfeld (especially George) and now they’re here in Washington County Maryland.  And they’re bringing it fresh like a good bagel.  This is a podcast you don’t want to miss.

Max Gamerman is a Junior at Barbara Ingram  and Amelia Lowry is a Sophomore at Barbara Ingram

Cthulhu For President 2016

By Nathan Rutherford 

We conducted an interview with this up and coming political outsider in order to give voters an honest view of his policy.

The ancient eldritch being, Cthulhu Dagon, has announced his independent candidacy for the office of the President of the United States. Along with his appeal as a potentially viable independent candidate, he promises to return to traditional values of cosmic terror and all-consuming darkness: mirroring a time when “The world was controlled by ancient cosmic entities.” The good old days, according to Mr. Dagon.

When our reporters questioned him on his military strategy concerning ISIS, and other possible threats in the global community, Dagon said that he would visit
opposing militants in their sleep and “drive them mad by showing them horrors deeper than the darkest ocean.” A strategy that shows he is not afraid to stand up to threats against the U.S from around the globe. He had been given much praise from amongst his following for being the first eldritch horror to ever attempt a presidential run–claims, which he denied, saying “Oh I’m definitely not the first, you’ve heard of Al Gore, right?” When asked about other candidates, he had little to say, referring to them as mere specks of dust floating in the great void of space. Besides, Mr. Dagon said he had “Slept through all of the debates anyway.”

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When asked about other goals and ambitions he has for his presidency, Mr. Dagon provided a colossal list. Among these he plans to write a budget plan that “no human mind could ever comprehend” and getting rid of pesky hindrances to government such as ‘due process’ and ‘free speech’ once and for all. He describes his style of reform as “Complete, efficient, and designed to remind humankind of its place in the universe.” Something he claims will serve the common good in a much more comprehensive way than his opponents.

Many competing politicians have criticized his seemingly sinister policy, branding him as “evil” or “monstrous” but he believes this is part of his appeal. He says he is the only honest politician, not hiding his true intentions behind seemingly benign platforms claiming to help the middle class, or rectify the income gap. He presents us with a question that has become his campaign slogan. “Why choose a lesser evil?”

This question leaves us plenty to think about as the presidential race continues, and as we consider the many candidates that are vying for the title of commander in chief (Which he plans to change to “Vile Lord” if he takes office) We look forward to seeing more of Mr. Dagon and other rising independents. See you at the primaries!

The opinions expressed in this piece do not necessarily reflect those of Post Script Magazine

Nathan Rutherford is a Sophomore at Barbara Ingram

An Open Letter to Kids on Halloween

By Kaitlin Gertz

Hey, it’s nice to meet you. I’m the teenager you just interrupted. I mean, you did just intrude on my evening with your incessant doorbell ringing and slightly cult-y chants of “Trick or treat!” but I don’t mind. In fact, that’s my ideal night: handing out Butterfingers to a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle who can’t be bothered to put his mask on and an Elsa belting Let It Go. The groans and complaints about how it’s “not the candy I wanted” really give me that warm fuzzy feeling for your generation. Honestly, I cannot think of a more fun time than having to hear third graders on sugar highs screaming outside my door.

Seriously? My front porch lights weren’t on! Why the hell are you ringing my doorbell? Do the machine guns attached to the sprinklers not deter you? What about the Ouija board with claw marks hung over my door? Can’t you see that I’m not enabling your pathetic groveling? I have actual work to do. Being in high school is tough. And you know what makes it tougher? People who haven’t even heard of the SATs banging on my door asking for handouts. I have two things to tell you. One, I’m broke. I can’t even buy myself candy. I don’t know how your Darth Vader costume is going to convince me  to pay for your sweet tooth (although it does have a really cool cape). Two, don’t give me a disappointed look when you realize my bowl is empty. It’s called the real world, welcome to it.

That doesn’t mean the Halloween spirit is over! I’d love to take it back (to two thousand years ago) and start the sacrifices. In fact, the old Celtic All Hallows’ Eve is supposed to be about celebrating the dead. If you run across my yard and litter your candy wrappers, I might just have to get a jump-start. There are sidewalks for a reason; the government does not just waste our tax dollars like that. I might just start lobbing candy at the end of my driveway from my porch so you children can’t possibly mess anything up. You want your candy? Fetch.

I was in your Disney princess shoes once. I know how exhilarating it all is. But teenagers are trapped in a horrible Halloween situation. The days of dressing up and roaming around in the hopes someone will toss some candy in a plastic Jack-o-Lantern held tightly in your grasp are over. We’re too old for them. At the same time, we’re too young to go to “real” Halloween parties; i.e. ones not chaperoned by parents. It’s a miserable time, filled with test grades and college plans and stress instead of mouths of rainbow-colored candy and fake blood and glow-in-the-dark masks. Do you know how much I’d give to be one of you again? I love Halloween. Like That’s So Seventies! Show (before your time) once said, “It’s like we’re too old to trick-or-treat and too young to die.”

So go ahead and have your Halloween fun. Just remember, I’m not the only grumpy teenager who doesn’t need to be bothered by your (completely unnecessary) shrieking. I know you’re having a good time. Try to take a break from being monsters every once and a while and remember some manners. Because if not? Well, that Ouija board wasn’t just for show. Trick or treat, motherfuckers.

    Sincerely,

A Very Stressed Teenager

Kaitlin Gertz is a Sophomore at Barbara Ingram School for the Arts