Posted in 2015-2016, Humor

An Open Letter to Wonderbook and Video

Dear Wonderbook And Video,

It’s been awhile since I’ve been rooting through your endless, ribbed shelves of dusty paperbacks, perusing the eighties movies, and scavenging for bargain CD’s. While I do think of you sometimes, daydreaming of the overwhelming smell of old books, and glass bottles of soda, we needed this time apart. You’ve always had some evil power over me, making me want to stay for hours and hours even though you haven’t had a bathroom since I was 7, and being too awkward to go to the next store over, I’ve held my bladder at gun point so I can find just the right book every time.

You’ve made me accumulate dozens of novels I’m sure I’m never, ever, EVER going to read. But you convinced me to buy them anyway. A Latin to Spanish dictionary! It’s only two dollars!  I keep falling to the seductive force of yet another Edgar Allan Poe short story collection because it has one story I’ve never read before, or a poem, or the cover’s just cool. But I’m done with that. I’m done with your hypnotic halls of history books, the pile of free posters I can’t help but look through. I won’t let the prospect of another brown bag sale drag me over to your place again, at least, not this year.

I know you’ll be in my life again soon enough. I won’t be able to resist your siren’s call for long, but until then, I’ll appreciate this time apart.

Nathan Retherford

Posted in 2015-2016, Lifestyle

On Dress Codes

By Maddie Sokoloski 

If only Little Red Riding Hood had a cloak that covered up her up a bit more. She shouldn’t have been tempting that wolf with all that exposed skin. If her grandmother had been wearing a ski mask to bed maybe the wolf would have been able to control himself.

With summer just around the corner and heat waves rolling in, young women across America are breaking out shorts and tank tops. Principals everywhere are blowing the dust off their trusty school handbooks getting ready to punish female students for breaking the most important rule: the dress code. Girls have begun crossing their fingers, hoping administration doesn’t punish them for “making other students uncomfortable” or “disturbing the learning process.”

dress code.jpgI hope I live to see a day when girls are not raised with the words “you are a distraction, your bra straps are disturbing the people around you” ringing in their ears. I hope there will be a time when little girls don’t feel like it’s their fault that they are victimized, when women aren’t made to feel guilty because they were “tempting him” or “showing too much skin.” It doesn’t make sense that people would defend the beasts and wolves, the abusers and rapists and denounce the girls who used to carry hope with them like a flag, who had innocence ripped out of their hands. I hope there will be a day when school districts become the safe zones they claim to be. Places where young women can go to the administration, sleeveless shirt and all, and complain about another student or, God forbid, a teacher who looks at her shoulders with the eyes of a predator. A female student should be able to tell people when they are feeling uncomfortable with other people’s actions without worrying someone will judge her or deem her “inappropriate.”

I hope, someday, there is a world where we don’t have to teach our daughters to look both ways before crossing the street, not because cars could be passing but because a predator could be following. I hope there’s a world where friends don’t have to guard each other’s drinks because men are taught how to be men and not monsters, people are taught to keep from slipping things into people’s drinks. I hope there is a world where girls can walk down the street without gripping their keys like a weapon, without knuckles whitening around hidden pocket knives, without women acutely aware of which part of their purses the pepper spray is tucked into, without old women who walk with canes or umbrellas just to have some sort of advantage if attacked. I hope that there is a world where we stop blaming young women for the actions of other people. I hope we can stop teaching our girls to throw on an extra layer because “There’s no way you’re going out dressed like that.” I hope there is a world where the victims are not blamed for the actions of attackers, where women aren’t taught that showing their shoulders or bra straps or legs or cleavage is like dangling a bone in front of a carnivore and expecting him not to attack.

It is my sincerest hope that, one day, I can send my red-cloaked daughters into the woods and the only thing I have to warn them against is dropping their baskets along the way.dress code [2].jpg

Maddie Sokoloski is a Sophomore at Barbara Ingram

Posted in 2015-2016, Culture

College Sucks and Here’s Why (And Capitalism Isn’t Cool Either)


By Kaitlin Gertz 

In an age where colleges consider factors such as gender, class, race, and sexuality for admission, college isn’t discriminatory on the surface. In fact, it seems like it’s gotten more open-minded as your grade point average isn’t the only thing being weighed next to your entrance essay. So then why do the poorest cities see the highest high school dropout rates, and as a result, lower college admissions? Why do women make up the majority of college students, yet earn less once graduated? If it’s truly unbiased, then why is the percentage of students of color enrolled rising only infinitesimally in private colleges after the ruling of Regents of the University of California vs. Bakke? In this age, college can be discriminatory, even while taking strides to be more diverse.

Though many colleges have starting using holistic reviews for admissions, it still remains a numbers game, no matter how great your admissions essay is. Entrance usually s
tarts with a base SAT score, number of community service hours, GPA, and, of course, how much you can pay. The average year at a public university in-state will costStudent-Loan-cartoon-2bdrn8a a student around $9,410. The average year at a private university is more than triple that, costing around $32,405. Sure, that may sound like a lot, but if you get a job and maybe take out a small loan, you’ll end up in the clear. Unfortunately, that’s not usually the case. Minimum wage jobs are the most prevalent type of jobs amongst students, but they don’t provide necessary funds. Going off of federal minimum wage requirements (keep in mind, this can vary state to state), it would take someone working 25 hours a week to completely pay off in-state tuition. Not too strenuous, until you get to how many hours you would have to work a week to pay off private university: 85. That’s twice the amount of hours of working full time, and is impossible for the average worker, let alone someone who is in college. No wonder so many people end up taking out student loans, and no wonder that in 2012, students nationwide ended up borrowing over 110 billion dollars.

It holds no candle to national debt, but certainly outweighs the student debt forty years ago. In 1970, student loan borrowing only amounted to a paltry 7.6 billion, and a lot of that has to do with minimum wage and the cost of college. For example, the minimum wage was $1.60, and with inflation rates, it would be $9.80 today; already higher than the current federal minimum wage. (But wait! There’s more!) In 1970, a year’s tuition at a public university cost $1,207, which meant it could be completely paid off by working 15 hours a week. So, while minimum wage has slowly and inconsistently been raised, the price of college has skyrocketed, making it almost impossible to afford without taking out loans.

That being said, college has become more and more necessary for obtaining better jobs, and with it, better pay. With just a bachelor’s degree, a person could earn $23,291 more than the average high school graduate. In addition to college, there has also been a lot of focus on unpaid internships to become qualified for jobs. Companies hire college students who are willing to work for little to nothing in order for the students to attain credit and work experience. After all, the more experience you have in a field, the more likely you are to get hired in it. It’s also a way for companies to take advantage of this need and use students for free labor. While unfair, many students see it as a necessity to achieve the career they want. It’s a vicious cycle.


Let’s say you’re born in a well-off family. It’s never an issue of if you will go to college, but where you will go to college. You study hard and get in, but without a scholarship. That’s not an issue. Your parents will gladly make up for the deficit and which means you can avoid taking out student loans or working minimum wage jobs. In the summer, you decide on an internship that will look good on your future resume and find out that it doesn’t pay. Again, to save you the trouble of an internship and a job at the same time, your parents either invite you back home or put up money for you to rent an apartment and buy necessities. After years of this you graduate, and thanks to your internships and your degree, you land a well-paying job. Now your kids will be born into a well-off family, and the cycle continues.

But what if you’re born into a lower-income family? Maybe you’ll go to college if you can. You might earn a small scholarship. Even in high school, you might already be working a minimum wage job to earn money for yourself or your family. Then, you study hard and get into college. Your parents can’t pay for tuition, so you take out student loans. You decide that once you graduate college and land a good job because of your degree you’ll pay off that debt. However, you’re not able to afford an unpaid internship. There’s no way to earn those extra points while also working at a paying job. So after graduation, you’re left with your loans, your degree, and your inexperience. You get a job that isn’t bad, but isn’t the best. It’s going to take you longer to pay off the student loans than you thought, and the interest keeps accumulating. You might not be poor, but you’re certainly not rich. This means your kids will go through the cycle you went through if they choose to go to college, all because you don’t have enough money.

Not having enough money is a big problem, and surprisingly, so is race. Cities like Detroit, Baltimore, and New York City are notorious for their large high school dropout rates, as well as a large population of minorities. While not indicative of a college’s racial bias, it shows that many people of color don’t even have the chance to go. Most universities don’t accept high school dropouts, after all.
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(Detroit Dropout Rate: 78%; Baltimore: 62%; New York City: 59%; U.S.: 19%)


The trend of race relating to a high dropout rate doesn’t signify that a particular minority isn’t intelligent, but rather reflects inner-city life. In fact, the trend seems to stop with New York City, where there are more white dropouts than black. When compared to the United States’ population overall, however, it shows a stark contrast between those cities and the U.S.

Is it simply that college is more biased towards those with more money and discriminatory towards minorities and the lower class? Perhaps not, and as we as a nation bring more attention to inequality as a whole, universities are more likely to change criteria even more. Who knows? One day, they might even make it free (I’m looking at you, Bernie).

Kaitlin Gertz is a Sophomore at Barbara Ingram

Posted in 2015-2016, Culture

Earth Day Isn’t Just Any Day For April

By Amelia Lowry

April gallops gracefully around her friends. The eleven faces of her closest companions all blur into one as she runs.

“April, stop dancing and come sit down with the rest of us,” September orders.

“Woah, Sep, chill,” June says lazily, chewing loudly on a giant wad of bubble gum. “It’s not like she’s, like, doing drugs or something.”

At this, all eleven people in the circle exchange dubious looks.

“I don’t get why anyone would do drugs. I mean, isn’t life just amazing as it is?” December asks with a wide smile on his face. “April knows what I’m talking about, right April?”

April skips lackadaisically over to her friends. Her long hair bounces up and down behind her each time her bare feet hit the grass.

“Hey man, did someone, like, say ‘April’?” April asks in her watered-down voice.

September narrows his eyes upon April’s approaching.

“Sep, what’s the matter, dude? The war is over if you want it,” April says to September, kneeling down beside him. He grumbles and tries to scoot away from her, but October stops him with a spooky, eyeliner-rimmed look.

“Hiya, April!” December cheerfully chitters. “I was just tellin’ the gang about how great life is! Don’t you just love it?”

“Totally, man, it’s outta sight. It’s the grooviest time of year — you know how I love April,” she says with a lethargic smile.

“I know I love April,” February says. February gives a sly wink and twirls a lock of curly hair with her slender, pink-polished fingers.

Without missing a beat, December shows the group a glimpse of his twinkling eyes and rosy cheeks. “I love April too — the sun is out, the grass is green — it’s the best time of the year!”

“Oh my God, December, you say that every twenty-four hours,” September replies hotly.

“Simmer down, my friends,” April says.

June changes the subject. “It sure is a chill time of year,” she says. “The twentieth will be here before we know it.”

“Every day is April twentieth if you try hard enough, man,” April says. “Besides, dudette, you gotta think bigger. Expand your mind.”

December grins broadly and says, “Yeah, Christmas is on the way!” He looks off into the distance lovingly, as if he’s thinking about all the different flavors of candy canes, or how soft Santa’s beard is. “Here comes Santa Claus,” he mutters under his breath.

April follows December’s gaze. “Oh, yeah, I think I can see him, man,” she says.

“That’s not Santa Claus, you imbeciles, it’s just a red-breasted robin,” September says.

“Did someone say ‘breast’?” February asks, suddenly alert.

April stretches out, lifting her kimono-covered arms high above her head. Everyone turns to look at her — her sudden shift in movement enough to gather their attention.

“Oh, hello friends,” April says when she notices everyone’s eyes on her.

“What’s your favorite holiday, April?” December asks.

“Oh, that’s a tough one man. It’s tough to decide between Earth day and Arbor day,” April replies. She puts her arm idly over December’s shoulder. “It’s like the two days of the year where everyone is, like, united in the common goal of loving the planet. You know I’m all about the love, man.”

October readjusts his clunky headphones and asks, “April, what is Earth Day? I don’t really know a lot about the Earth.” He pushes his straightened, black hair out of his pale face and looks toward April. More darkly, he says, “I spend most of my time in the underworld.”

“It’s just some dumb hippie holiday. What does it matter? Arbor day, too — they’re just excuses for hippies to hug more trees,” September says.

“Hey man, make love, not war,” April says to September. “Don’t let the man keep you down, October. He probably just didn’t eat his granola this morning.”

“Nobody here eats granola except you, April,” September spits.

“Whatever, my friend. Anyway, Earth Day always falls on April 22nd and Arbor day is on the 29th. I’m planting trees down on the park if you want to join me,” April says.

“Oh, the 22nd? No can do — I’m making some sacrifices that day,” October replies.

“Thank god,” September says. “That’s what this country was built on — some elbow grease and a lot of sacrifice.”

October gives September an ice-cold look. “I don’t think we’re talking about the same thing.”

“It’s totally turbulent, October,” April says. “You don’t have to plant trees to celebrate Earth Day and Arbor Day. Another thing you can do instead is make people feel bad for throwing stuff away, or protest at your local bank.”

“Why the bank?” September asks, suddenly intrigued.

“Because, man, money doesn’t grow on trees. But you know what does grow on trees?” April asks. Nobody responds. “Air. Why don’t banks help with air? Don’t they know that the air is contaminated? Don’t they know that they, as Americans, are to blame for 25% of carbon dioxide pollution in the environment?”

There is a drawn out silence as everyone digests April’s sudden attitude.

“Well… I’m glad you feel so passionately about something. That’s the bomb,” October says.

“Hey man, watch your language!” April shouts neurotically. “The trees can hear you!”

“Anyway, April.” February flirts, batting her eyelashes. “What are you doing this Friday?”

“I’m going to Wall Street,” April says, shaking her head. “Nobody wastes paper like those tree-hating fascists.”

“Ooh, I bet that’ll be a real good time. But you know what they say — you’re gonna  need a honey if you wanna save some money. Whatdya say, April? Do you wanna –” February began, lowering her eyes to April’s beaded peace-sign necklace, “take a chance on me?”

“No, man, we humans have no right to take the bee’s honey, man. That’s just like us humans, taking what isn’t ours. Like trees, man. Trees don’t belong to anyone,” April says. “That’s why we have to serve the trees, man. Arbor Day is the perfect day for you to serve them. Pick up some trash. Recycle. Plant trees, get your hands muddy, man.”

“I love it when you talk dirty,” February says.

“Far out, dudette, it’s a date. Is the 29th okay, man?” April asks February.

“The 29th is perfect, pick me up at 8,” February responds with a wink.

“Okay, man, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to fit you on my bicycle,” April says, scratching her head, and sways to her feet. “I gotta jam, guys, there’s a protest against fracking going on soon, man.”

April starts skipping away, leaving her eleven friends in near-silence. February is still sitting on the ground, forlornly looking at the grass.

“Oh, I didn’t know she had something against fracking,” February says.

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Amelia Lowry is a Sophomore at Barbara Ingram. 

Posted in 2015-2016, Entertainment, Humor

Straight Out of Bagels (A Podcast Series) – Episode One: Pilot

Episode One “Pilot” was Written and Performed by Max Gamerman and Amelia Lowry (featuring Jackson Spickler)


They’ve traveled through the wastelands of New Jersey.  They’ve ventured through the desolate jungles of Pennsylvania.  They’ve tangled with lions and cowboys and mermaids and the entire cast of Seinfeld (especially George) and now they’re here in Washington County Maryland.  And they’re bringing it fresh like a good bagel.  This is a podcast you don’t want to miss.

Max Gamerman is a Junior at Barbara Ingram  and Amelia Lowry is a Sophomore at Barbara Ingram

Posted in 2015-2016, Entertainment, News

Barbara Ingram’s Little Mermaid

By Amber Eason

It’s been announced that this year’s Barbara Ingram School for the Art’s play is the Little Mermaid. And I was allowed exclusive access into the world of sea creatures, and upcoming musical numbers.

The Little Mermaid is the sixth consecutive musical Barbara Ingram School for the Arts has produced. The play’s cast consists of only BISFA students, and this year’s play boasts one of the largest cast of them all with a breathtakingly huge ensemble. The sheer size of the production offers some of its own challenges as well; however, this enormous cast of characters guarantees a full-bodied and immersive experience. “It’s the largest we’ve ever had,” said Amanda Askin, a musical theater major in the play.  “There’s a lot of coordination and timing that goes on behind the scenes that the audience doesn’t see.”

Along with its staggering number of performers, the show also offers some rather amazing special effects: lighting, projections, and even creatures floating on the air. “The audience will feel they’re under the sea with us.” That was Amanda’s favorite thing about the Little Mermaid: “It’s going to be a beautiful experience … I can’t wait to see the audience’s reaction to just that — to us.” She described it as a sort of under the sea choreographed jigsaw puzzle, filled with brilliant colors, fancy footwork (or perhaps finwork), all complete with the lovable — and laughable — buoyant banter of the characters you love.

A look around Black Box Theater and I couldn’t agree more. I was surrounded by a sea of rainbow sequins, bubbly bright colors and swirl after swirl of wispy tool. I think every color in the spectrum was captured.

So at this point you might be thinking so what? It’s bright and beautiful, and somewhat immersive — what’s the big deal about that? Well, alongside it’s bedazzling costumes and sparkling atmosphere, the die-hard Little Mermaid fans will be sure glad to hear that it develops a rather close narrative to the Disney story.

“The play follows a lot of the movie — it’s pretty close, actually,” said Judah Ickes, a musical theater major also in the play. “You get the classic music — the well known stuff — but you also get to hear some cool new tunes, and it puts a nice spin on the old characters.”

So there you have it, folks: the same songs you love and a fresh story to make it pop. It should also be noted that the voices behind these songs are simply magical. I sat in with the concert choir (featuring many of the voices that will be in the play) and honestly I was speechless. Their voices were so strong and harmonious that they resonated around the classroom. It was like everything was in sync with the graceful ring and echo of their pitch. I’m certain the musical will be no different, and these glorious voices will leave the audience as entranced as I was sitting in that white-tiled classroom.

I felt hopeful and alive while leaving, I think that feeling can be found almost anywhere downtown. I saw a few posters advertising for the play in the windows of some local businesses like Regenerate Float Spa and struck up conversation with one of the employees. He said he was excited for the big event, and was happy that the Barbara Ingram School for the Art’s students we’re apart of it. He said it was a way of “making art for now, and saving it for the future.”

The musical is sure to deliver in every way possible, and so if you haven’t already, I would suggest purchasing your tickets hereLiam Clark, a musical theater major performing in the play, said, “It’s like a bonding experience for everyone — you develop a connection with the actors right in front of you — so like people get to bond with their own families while watching ours perform.”


Amber Eason is a Sophmore at Barbara Ingram.

Posted in 2015-2016, Culture

Humanity’s Fling with Spring

By Kaitlin Gertz

So, what’s the buzz with all the bees (and flowers and pastels and everything spring)? Why are college students migrating to Florida? And what makes people so obsessed with spring that it makes them sick? Spring fever, usually associated with a physical illness, can also describe the intense focus people give to the season. There’s spring cleaning, spring break, and the cheerful alliteration of “spring has sprung!” In all, it seems people just can’t get enough of it.

Traditionally, spring is linked to rebirth and renewal. Youth and fertility are also commonly affiliated with spring; both were extremely prevalent and sought after throughout history. Renewal has heavy ties with religion as well. The Festival of Isis was an ancient Egyptian celebration marking the beginning of spring, as it was held around the Equinox. Romans had a rough equivalent with their Feast of Cybele. Even Christianity plays its part: Easter marks the end of Lent, which means people could then indulge instead of restricting.

The ancient Greeks, however, saw no problem with indulgence, and now lend the custom of spring break to college students. Anthesteria was a three-day festival celebrating Dionysus, god of wine. Everyone, no matter their social status, was allowed to party and get drunk because spring had arrived. Nowadays, we just call it “spring break.” Though the original festival was only three days, it was a chance to relax from the stress of winter and warm up. While winter back then might have meant certain crops couldn’t be grown or business for some would be hard, now it is associated with the pressure of exams and school. Spring break is a chance to forget about your worries and chill — or fly down to Miami and party.

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With modern traditions comes seasonal sports like baseball, softball, and the end of basketball. March Madness, the final championship of the NBA, brings in billions of dollars in bets and millions of dollars in revenue (if that’s not enough reason for the managers to love spring, I don’t know what is). Baseball can be a more twofold sport: not only do the major leagues also bring in millions of dollars, but so do the minor leagues. Money doesn’t translate to renewal, but it’s certainly a reason why people are anxious for spring.

So, spring fever could make you excited for the season, or just make you break out in hives when some designer declares florals “groundbreaking.” Whether you’re honoring the Greeks by partying, or the Romans by eating all you can, or even taking some time to relax and smell the roses, getting sick with spring fever might not be all that bad.

Kaitlin Gertz is a Sophomore at Barbara Ingram.

Posted in 2015-2016, Lifestyle

Just Between Us

By Sara Ritchey 

Before I wrote this, I remembered the time you told me how much you loved the rhythm of my heartbeat — and when we hugged, you pressed yourself into me; our heartbeats colliding, dancing under moonlit skies. And when bright shooting stars flew across the night, you always told me you had everything you’d ever need.

Before I wrote this, I sat memorizing your mesmerizing eyes and got lost somewhere in between blue and always. Your eyes took me to blurry places, where I couldn’t make out my own goddamn name. You made the words in my head jumble; a jungle of tangled letters, until I could only make out three words. I love you.

Before I wrote this, I realized I love you’s could be lies. Trampled on words with muddy shoes until they are so far in the dirt, they begin to decompose.

You see, before I wrote this, I repeated it to myself so much it lost it’s meaning. I love you, I love you, I love you, I — it played over in my head like a scratched record. Your words echoing off the sides of my head, until I had to slip in headphones to drown out the sound of your voice.

Before I wrote this I scratched my skin, where your fingertips had traced. Lines of red paint fell down my arms as I continue to scratch trying to get any sign of you off of my skin.

I remembered the time you engraved words into my bones, and I let you, being sure to lay still as you took your time. You liked digging every letter deeper than the last, and when I winced you shrugged it off, continuing your work of art. When you were finally done, you let me see your masterpiece. It was a picture of another girl. Maybe in a different time, you said. Maybe if you were anyone else.

Sara Ritchey is a Freshman at Barbara Ingram

Posted in 2015-2016, Entertainment

James Buchanan Drama Club Retells Classic Tale

By Mary Miller

On March 13, 2016, I saw Jekyll & Hyde at James Buchanan High School in Mercersburg, Pennsylvania.  It was a musical adaption of Robert Louis Stevenson’s famous novel The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and was originally produced on Broadway.   In this classic tale of good versus evil, a kindhearted doctor’s experiment goes awry and forces him to live with terrifying transformations into an evil alter ego.

The musical featured a large ensemble of James Buchanan’s most talented actors. The play starred senior Hunter Daugherty as Dr. Henry Jekyll and Edward Hyde, senior Lauren Dukehart as Emma Carew, sophomore Claire Alfree as Lucy Harris, and senior Sam Ortbal as Gabriel John Utterson.  I was very impressed with all of the students’ performances, both dramatic and musical.  


Hunter Daugherty and Lauren Dukeheart

Every musical performance was quite enjoyable, particularly that of Hunter Daughtry.  Each song was well executed and exciting to watch.    The show was also greatly enriched by the performances of the “London citizens” and pit orchestra.  

In my opinion, the most impressive aspect of the play were the special effects.  Strobe lights and smoke machines are just a couple of things the school used to better enhance the dramatic side of the play. The creative sets effectively flipped between settings and moods while holding the audience’s interest the entire time.

Above all, I must applaud the school for choosing such an imaginative play.  Jekyll and Hyde was an ambitious and creative choice, and I feel the school pulled it off quite well.  Jekyll and Hyde was a joy to attend, and I look forward to seeing James Buchanan High School’s future productions.

Mary Miller is a Sophomore at Barbara Ingram

Posted in 2015-2016, Humor

Cthulhu For President 2016

By Nathan Rutherford 

We conducted an interview with this up and coming political outsider in order to give voters an honest view of his policy.

The ancient eldritch being, Cthulhu Dagon, has announced his independent candidacy for the office of the President of the United States. Along with his appeal as a potentially viable independent candidate, he promises to return to traditional values of cosmic terror and all-consuming darkness: mirroring a time when “The world was controlled by ancient cosmic entities.” The good old days, according to Mr. Dagon.

When our reporters questioned him on his military strategy concerning ISIS, and other possible threats in the global community, Dagon said that he would visit
opposing militants in their sleep and “drive them mad by showing them horrors deeper than the darkest ocean.” A strategy that shows he is not afraid to stand up to threats against the U.S from around the globe. He had been given much praise from amongst his following for being the first eldritch horror to ever attempt a presidential run–claims, which he denied, saying “Oh I’m definitely not the first, you’ve heard of Al Gore, right?” When asked about other candidates, he had little to say, referring to them as mere specks of dust floating in the great void of space. Besides, Mr. Dagon said he had “Slept through all of the debates anyway.”


When asked about other goals and ambitions he has for his presidency, Mr. Dagon provided a colossal list. Among these he plans to write a budget plan that “no human mind could ever comprehend” and getting rid of pesky hindrances to government such as ‘due process’ and ‘free speech’ once and for all. He describes his style of reform as “Complete, efficient, and designed to remind humankind of its place in the universe.” Something he claims will serve the common good in a much more comprehensive way than his opponents.

Many competing politicians have criticized his seemingly sinister policy, branding him as “evil” or “monstrous” but he believes this is part of his appeal. He says he is the only honest politician, not hiding his true intentions behind seemingly benign platforms claiming to help the middle class, or rectify the income gap. He presents us with a question that has become his campaign slogan. “Why choose a lesser evil?”

This question leaves us plenty to think about as the presidential race continues, and as we consider the many candidates that are vying for the title of commander in chief (Which he plans to change to “Vile Lord” if he takes office) We look forward to seeing more of Mr. Dagon and other rising independents. See you at the primaries!

The opinions expressed in this piece do not necessarily reflect those of Post Script Magazine

Nathan Rutherford is a Sophomore at Barbara Ingram