By Derek Frazier
After Dean Young
- I have over a dozen love letters that I mean to send to her when she has a bad day.
- My father was barely around when I was growing up because of work, so I joke that I was raised by my mother.
- I believe in the existence of more than one “deity.”
- When drinking water you might actually be drinking a glass of purified dinosaur piss.
- A morning shower mixes with tears cried last night by a woman who found out she had been cheated on.
- I call random strangers ma’am and sir not because it’s polite but because it’s a habit.
- I am a proud Roman Catholic.
- My least favorite color is yellow.
- I am terrified of the idea of being a father.
- Tea is better than coffee.
- Everything’s better with closed eyes, i.e. a first kiss, massages.
- I have hundreds of scars on my body.
- Walmart is the ninth ring of Hell.
- One of my favorite words to say is “rendezvous” because of the way you have to purse your lips when saying it aloud.
- The best car ever made is the Mustang Torretto.
- Gunpowder is a mixture of charcoal, potassium nitrate, and saltpeter.
- I’m scared of the blackness of night.
- I am a dog person.
- The Romans conquered the Greeks because math was confusing enough before they added the alphabet.
- No matter what anyone says, the scariest thing you will ever hear is, “There’s nothing you can do.”
- Atheists can neither prove nor deny the existence of an existential being named “Jehovah”.
- The most common weapon I am killed with in nightmares is a metal spoon.
- In the time it took to read this, a young man finally plucked up the courage to ask a girl on a date.
- Slurpees.
- Tai Chi is overrated.
- No one wants to grow old.
- Japanese cheesecakes are surprisingly very easy to make.
- Germans are the only people who can make “I love you” sound like a murderous threat.
- People who sleep with their bedsheets tucked under their feet are weird.
- I am terrified of snakes.
- My favorite musical instrument is an electric cello.
- Saying something over and over again makes it lose its value.
- The one thing I hate about my body is the texture of my elbows.
- I despise the word “retarded.”
- Given my family’s medical history I most likely will die around the age of eighty from blood or heart problems.
- Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.
- The best advice is told through the ticking of old grandfather clocks.
- The best culinary innovation was the grilled cheese.
- I grew up thinking that if I was hit by a car I would be flattened into a pizza like a Looney Toons character.
40.You’ve only got a hundred years to live.
- I refuse to be buried below ground because my life will have been too eventful to end as worm food.
- There is no such thing as being over prepared.
- Peanut M&Ms are the closest thing we have to ambrosia.
- Thursday is my favorite day of the week.
- I write my best work when I have insomnia.
- Millions and billions of years from now the sun will explode and wipe everything out in an event bigger than a Kardashian breakup.
- Silver is the most beautiful metal.
- I have read and agreed to the terms of service.
- My favorite girl names are Vivian, Scarlett, and Hope.
- The Earth is kept in its place by the world tree Yggdrasil, right?
- The world would look better if everything was in shades of blue.
- Sometimes I drape a blanket over my shoulders and pretend I’m a superhero.
- I sleep with a knife on my nightstand.
- The moon is beautiful.
- God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light.
- My grandmother was diagnosed with cancer almost two years ago.
- Perfect is an adjective unattainable by the human race.
- 日本語は美しい言語です。
- A number has been repeated.
- English accents are attractive.
- Frank Sinatra is a god.
- I’m fascinated by the concept that the air bubbles in a piece of fossilized amber were exhaled by dinosaurs.
- Hospitals make me nauseous.
- Doctors make me uncomfortable.
- Migraines suck.
- I hate the fact that I was born too early to explore the world and too late to travel the universe.
- Growth is impossible without pain.
- When going on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.
- The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few and the one.
- Jazz will never die.
- Lucky Charms are good just because of the marshmallows.
- When I die I want every piece of my work that is unpublished to be burned, so no one else steals my ideas.
- I wear my heart on my sleeve just because I never can find the time to wash it off.
- My sister is a terrible driver.
- The exclamation point has been stolen
- I refuse to join a fraternity in college because I am tall and blonde and that is cliché enough.
- Jenny, I’ve got your number.
- Quiet people have the loudest minds.
- Life is pointless if you don’t sleep in once and awhile.
- Letting someone go is hard because you know their velcro was the only kind that matched yours.
- Second-hand cigarette smoke is sweeter than the first puff.
- The best chess piece is the bishop.
- Thunderstorms have a dangerous beauty to them.
- Ladies first.
- We all have monsters inside us.
- James Bond is better than Jason Bourne.
- Anything that requires a second thought is not worth doing.
- With great power comes great responsibility.
- “Normal” is just a setting on a washer dryer.
- If life can exist on this tiny rock then there is a good chance that it can exist somewhere else.
- Cows kill an average of twenty-two Americans a year.
- If governments utilized sassy grandmothers we would have fewer wars.
- I brood.
- I like guns.
- But swords are better.
- It doesn’t matter how deep a hole you dig yourself, or how many walls you fence around you, your demons will still come running.
- One hundred years after I’m dead I want to be more famous than Charles Darwin.
- Rattlesnakes are delicious.
- When I was in middle school my life’s ambition was to be an international mercenary.
- Chivalry isn’t dead.