By Derek Frazier

After Dean Young

1.  I have over a dozen love letters that I mean to send to her when she has a bad day.
2. My father was barely around when I was growing up because of work, so I joke that I was raised by my mother.
3. I believe in the existence of more than one “deity.”
4. When drinking water you might actually be drinking a glass of purified dinosaur piss.
5. A morning shower mixes with tears cried last night by a woman who found out she had been cheated on.
6. I call random strangers ma’am and sir not because it’s polite but because it’s a habit.
7. I am a proud Roman Catholic.
8. My least favorite color is yellow.
9. I am terrified of the idea of being a father.
10. Tea is better than coffee.
11. Everything’s better with closed eyes, i.e. a first kiss, massages.
12. I have hundreds of scars on my body.
13. Walmart is the ninth ring of Hell.
14. One of my favorite words to say is “rendezvous” because of the way you have to purse your lips when saying it aloud.
15.  The best car ever made is the Mustang Torretto.
16. Gunpowder is a mixture of charcoal, potassium nitrate, and saltpeter.
17. I’m scared of the blackness of night.
18. I am a dog person.
19. The Romans conquered the Greeks because math was confusing enough before they added the alphabet.
20. No matter what anyone says, the scariest thing you will ever hear is, “There’s nothing you can do.”
21. Atheists can neither prove nor deny the existence of an existential being named “Jehovah”.
22. The most common weapon I am killed with in nightmares is a metal spoon.
23. In the time it took to read this, a young man finally plucked up the courage to ask a girl on a date.
24. Slurpees.
25. Tai Chi is overrated.
26. No one wants to grow old.
27. Japanese cheesecakes are surprisingly very easy to make.
28. Germans are the only people who can make “I love you” sound like a murderous threat.
29. People who sleep with their bedsheets tucked under their feet are weird.
30. I am terrified of snakes.
31. My favorite musical instrument is an electric cello.
32. Saying something over and over again makes it lose its value.
33. The one thing I hate about my body is the texture of my elbows.
34. I despise the word “retarded.”
35. Given my family’s medical history I most likely will die around the age of eighty from blood or heart problems.
36. Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.
37. The best advice is told through the ticking of old grandfather clocks.
38. The best culinary innovation was the grilled cheese.
39. I grew up thinking that if I was hit by a car I would be flattened into a pizza like a Looney Toons character.

40.You’ve only got a hundred years to live.

41. I refuse to be buried below ground because my life will have been too eventful to end as worm food.
42. There is no such thing as being over prepared.
43. Peanut M&Ms are the closest thing we have to ambrosia.
44. Thursday is my favorite day of the week.
45. I write my best work when I have insomnia.
46. Millions and billions of years from now the sun will explode and wipe everything out in an event bigger than a Kardashian breakup.
47. Silver is the most beautiful metal.
48. I have read and agreed to the terms of service.
49. My favorite girl names are Vivian, Scarlett, and Hope.
50. The Earth is kept in its place by the world tree Yggdrasil, right?  
51. The world would look better if everything was in shades of blue.
52. Sometimes I drape a blanket over my shoulders and pretend I’m a superhero.
53. I sleep with a knife on my nightstand.
54. The moon is beautiful.
55. God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light.
56. My grandmother was diagnosed with cancer almost two years ago.
57. Perfect is an adjective unattainable by the human race.
58. 日本語は美しい言語です。
59. A number has been repeated.
60. English accents are attractive.
61. Frank Sinatra is a god.
62. I’m fascinated by the concept that the air bubbles in a piece of fossilized amber were exhaled by dinosaurs.
63. Hospitals make me nauseous.
64. Doctors make me uncomfortable.
65. Migraines suck.
66. I hate the fact that I was born too early to explore the world and too late to travel the universe.
67. Growth is impossible without pain.
68. When going on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.
69. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few and the one.
70. Jazz will never die.
71. Lucky Charms are good just because of the marshmallows.
72. When I die I want every piece of my work that is unpublished to be burned, so no one else steals my ideas.
73. I wear my heart on my sleeve just because I never can find the time to wash it off.
74. My sister is a terrible driver.
75. The exclamation point has been stolen
76. I refuse to join a fraternity in college because I am tall and blonde and that is cliché enough.
77. Jenny, I’ve got your number.
78. Quiet people have the loudest minds.
79. Life is pointless if you don’t sleep in once and awhile.
80. Letting someone go is hard because you know their velcro was the only kind that matched yours.
81. Second-hand cigarette smoke is sweeter than the first puff.  
82. The best chess piece is the bishop.
83. Thunderstorms have a dangerous beauty to them.
84. Ladies first.
85. We all have monsters inside us.
86. James Bond is better than Jason Bourne.
87. Anything that requires a second thought is not worth doing.
88. With great power comes great responsibility.
89. “Normal” is just a setting on a washer dryer.
90. If life can exist on this tiny rock then there is a good chance that it can exist somewhere else.
91. Cows kill an average of twenty-two Americans a year.
92. If governments utilized sassy grandmothers we would have fewer wars.
93. I brood.
94. I like guns.
95. But swords are better.
96. It doesn’t matter how deep a hole you dig yourself, or how many walls you fence around you, your demons will still come running.
97. One hundred years after I’m dead I want to be more famous than Charles Darwin.
98. Rattlesnakes are delicious.
99. When I was in middle school my life’s ambition was to be an international mercenary.
100. Chivalry isn’t dead.