Cthulhu For President 2016

By Nathan Rutherford 

We conducted an interview with this up and coming political outsider in order to give voters an honest view of his policy.

The ancient eldritch being, Cthulhu Dagon, has announced his independent candidacy for the office of the President of the United States. Along with his appeal as a potentially viable independent candidate, he promises to return to traditional values of cosmic terror and all-consuming darkness: mirroring a time when “The world was controlled by ancient cosmic entities.” The good old days, according to Mr. Dagon.

When our reporters questioned him on his military strategy concerning ISIS, and other possible threats in the global community, Dagon said that he would visit
opposing militants in their sleep and “drive them mad by showing them horrors deeper than the darkest ocean.” A strategy that shows he is not afraid to stand up to threats against the U.S from around the globe. He had been given much praise from amongst his following for being the first eldritch horror to ever attempt a presidential run–claims, which he denied, saying “Oh I’m definitely not the first, you’ve heard of Al Gore, right?” When asked about other candidates, he had little to say, referring to them as mere specks of dust floating in the great void of space. Besides, Mr. Dagon said he had “Slept through all of the debates anyway.”

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When asked about other goals and ambitions he has for his presidency, Mr. Dagon provided a colossal list. Among these he plans to write a budget plan that “no human mind could ever comprehend” and getting rid of pesky hindrances to government such as ‘due process’ and ‘free speech’ once and for all. He describes his style of reform as “Complete, efficient, and designed to remind humankind of its place in the universe.” Something he claims will serve the common good in a much more comprehensive way than his opponents.

Many competing politicians have criticized his seemingly sinister policy, branding him as “evil” or “monstrous” but he believes this is part of his appeal. He says he is the only honest politician, not hiding his true intentions behind seemingly benign platforms claiming to help the middle class, or rectify the income gap. He presents us with a question that has become his campaign slogan. “Why choose a lesser evil?”

This question leaves us plenty to think about as the presidential race continues, and as we consider the many candidates that are vying for the title of commander in chief (Which he plans to change to “Vile Lord” if he takes office) We look forward to seeing more of Mr. Dagon and other rising independents. See you at the primaries!

The opinions expressed in this piece do not necessarily reflect those of Post Script Magazine

Nathan Rutherford is a Sophomore at Barbara Ingram

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