A response to How to Make a Hipster Fall in Love (Ironically)
By Amelia Lowry
There’s two days ‘til Valentine’s Day, and many people still find themselves alone. After all, it takes time to find someone who you would like to spend all your time with. Goths have it even worse — a dying breed (inside and out), they find it hard to find the right person whose soul is theirs for the taking. Goths tend to have considerable trouble pulling someone icy enough for their liking, because not only do they need a person to spend all of their waking moments with, but someone to share all of their dead moments, as well.
That being said, if you’re a lonely goth looking for some quick love, keep reading for our list of seven ways to find love for this Valentine’s holiday!
Step 1: Look your best.
This piece of advice is older than time itself. You’ve got to look neat to get the meat! If you walk around looking perky, well-presented, clean, and pleasant, you’ll never get a date. So, stay awake for days at a time to get those succulent, puffy bags under your eyes, and don’t forget to rub charcoal eyeliner all around for that I-didn’t-wake-up-like-this-because-I-never-went-to-bed look.
Step 2: Smell your best.
Do you think the Bride of Frankenstein got her man by smelling like roses? I don’t think so! If you ghouls really just wanna have fun, you have to start by smelling the part. For that delightful, unshakeable scent of death, our style specialists at Forever Seventeen Magazine suggests that you dab the fresh blood of a parakeet behind your ears. If it’s overwhelming sadness that you wish to emit, bathe in the salty tears of a new widow. (Extra points if you widow her yourself!)
Step 3: Are you goth enough?
The last thing you want to do is be mistaken for an emo by a potential mate! Because, let’s face it — emos and goths are very different. Emos wear color sometimes.
It is essential when entering a relationship that you know who you are, and it’s even more important to know who you’re representing. Who cares if you’ve only ever read the Harry Potter series? Your favorite author is Poe. It doesn’t matter if you listen to some goofy hipster band when no one else can hear you. What matters is that you say your favorite band is Evanescence. Got it? Good.
Step 4: Find your one and lonely!
How are you going to find that unspecial someone unless you go out and just get ‘er done? Try walking down the street, and instead of creeping along the wall like you normally do, step boldly, and glare at everyone you see. Your ultimate goal is to find a timeless lover, so it is vital that you scare away the weak-hearted. Glare, stomp, hiss, bark — whatever you feel encapsulates you as a person.
Step 5: Give them your number!
Surely, you’ve attracted some attention from hissing and barking at passers-by. Now all that’s left is to seek out your life/after-life partner! At this point in the game, it is perfectly acceptable to groan at them in all six of your inside voices! If they are truly meant to be with you, they will understand. Should they pass all of these tests, the next step is to give them your number. Although, if they are still alive, we suggest that you ask their permission before etching your number onto them for eternity. The living ones tend not to like that.
Step 6: Take them on a date.
Chances are that you probably have a couple Marylin Manson concert tickets lying around. This could make for a fun date! You two could “accidentally” knock heads while headbanging, or have a deep discussion on the different shades of black. If you already used your Manson tickets, and if you’re in the mood for a particularly steamy evening, light a couple candles and break out the records — you can play them backwards together and hear your true calling.
A trip to the cemetery is always a gloomy, tomby adventure– perfect for you and your new girlfriend/victim/boyfriend. Picnics, rituals, grave-digging, making your funeral plans; there is so much to do and so little time!
Step 7: Take them to meet your family.
You’ve finally found the person or creature that you intend on spending infinity with, and more importantly, Valentine’s Day. As per custom, it is essential that this creature meet the people that raised you. Your mummy might unravel slightly at the sight of her little monster growing up, but that’s to be expected. When taking your lover on a tour of the house, your parents might tell you to keep your coffin door open, but they just like to embarrass you because they love you with such intensity that it feels like they loathe you.
At Forever Seventeen Magazine, we guarantee that there’s someone or something out there just for you. There’s no reason to be lonely this Valentine’s Day. Follow these seven, simple steps and we promise that you’ll have someone to love in no time!
Amelia Lowry is a sophomore at Barbara Ingram
Post Script Magazine. 